Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Siblings!

Since I am getting ready to have #3 in 2.5 weeks, I was getting nostalgic and watching video from 3 and 4 years ago. I was watching video of before Lydia came along and after. I was amazed by the difference in Luke from before and after. I think as a parent we are constantly dealing with the present and not so much reflecting on the past. In my reflection, I saw Luke responding to outside family members and responding to commands so easily. I also saw some head rocking, social anxiety, and a little bit of him being in his own world. It was there, but with only one child I don't remember any of those things being in the forefront of my mind at the time. After Lydia arrived I watched him trying to navigate his new world with some anxiety. He spent a lot of time with daddy after our daughter was born for a few reasons. Our daughter had severe reflux and hardly ever slept which meant I did not sleep. She had a painful sounding scream of a cry that I still get flashbacks from when she cries now. She also was a high maintenance baby. She threw up like the exorcist a lot (with liquid gold) flying across the room at any moment. I don't remember much during that time, but I do remember that I did not get to hold my little boy nearly as much as I would have liked. In some of the video, I saw his amazing smarts coming out on camera. At 17 months we were reading a book together and he knew everything and spoke it as clear as a bell. During that time, my husband was also traveling a lot. He was gone for a 5 week stretch at the beginning of our daughter's life. I am sure my son's anxiety increased over my probably insufficient attempt at trying to juggle everything alone. It was about 6 months out of the fog that we began noticing how much our son's anxiety was keeping him from the things that were enjoyable in life. It was about that time and the year after, that he did not want to leave the house anymore. We noticed that he was lining up his toys and moving them from one place to another over and over. However, it was still not incredibly apparent to us (parent overcompensation) that he was struggling as much as he was. As our daughter got older, the differences were more apparent. The ease with which our daughter laughed, played, and left the house were the biggest differences. Looking back on that time, I remember many extreme meltdowns lasting for a couple hours with which my daughter would just step aside and do her own thing while I tried everything to calm him down.

She developed a pattern of just wandering around during these times which she still does quite a bit. I have some parent guilt about the lack of time I did not get to spend with her while dealing with meltdowns. I didn't read as many books, snuggle as much, or play on the floor with her as much. I can't change that now, and my son needed me too, but I still think about the effects that time had on her. She also has learned to imitate a lot of our son's behaviors. With interactions, she has watched him growl at people, run away, etc... She has also done that a lot. Luke has also tried to control Lydia's every move from the time she started walking. He has always taken her gifts away from her and categorized them in a way that none of us understand, and when she tries to play with her toys, he has extreme anxiety (full body tightening, vein popping, crying, screaming). She then would just drop it and begin wandering again. We have worked on this aspect soooooooo much, but we are still dealing with it. Lydia got a bunch of presents for her birthday, and Luke has been hoarding them for 2 months now. We have talked about it, put them back, found them in his room again, talked about it, removed some of his toys, put them back in her room, and so on and so on. I actually saw Lydia playing with her Rapunzel doll the other day, and I was a crazy woman trying to protect that time with her toy.

So the sibling thing has been a challenge to say the least. I understand from Luke's perspective why he struggles with control, and I understand from Lydia's perspective her tendency to disengage. She is very laid back and does not want the fight. She is also incredibly empathetic, and I know her empathy has been the best support for Luke. As she gets older, I can imagine that will continue to be a huge factor in Luke's development. Also I can imagine, that her speech delay has somewhat to do with the tendency to disengage. She was not willing to work at trying to get her words out.

The exciting things now are, Luke and Lydia have their own preschool classrooms where they can be independent from each other and have their own interactions. Lydia is already thriving after just one week. The time apart is good for them, and they will each grow in their individual environments. As we continue to work on their interaction together, I have seen Luke grow in empathy and love for Lydia (hugs and kisses that just started recently) probably learned from her example. I have also seen them play together without the control issues. These moments are growing in length. I have also seen Lydia begin to fight for what is hers. That may sound strange, but I love to see that. I don't want her to disengage from life all the time. I want her to fight when right for herself. I have also seen Luke become very excited about baby #3 coming along. I am hopeful this will be a much better experience for him this time around because he understands more and can formulate and prepare in his mind what is going to happen.

Overall, this is the family God designed for us all to be in, and He knew what He was doing. I put trust in that knowing that these little ones were made to be brothers and sister to each other. They will learn and grow from the personalities that they uniquely have, and they will have a unique experience that will help them in life's encounters and experiences. Lydia will have more empathy and understanding for others that may be a little different. Luke will learn how to love and show empathy for others because of Lydia. Time will tell what Cole will provide the family. I am excited to see. Through our struggles we have learned much, and we can celebrate the successes and the relationships forming in our family.

I will read "I am Jake: My Life on the Autism Spectrum" to Lydia and Cole when they are old enough to understand. Hopefully this will be one of many tools to have conversation to help them understand Luke's world a little more clearer. They will also be individuals that will spread awareness and acceptance in our community and schools for Autism. I can see them being an active voice for their brother. What an exciting thing! There is also a great article about siblinbs at this link


Until next time,
Stefany

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