What does it mean to be social?

This has been a topic on my mind for a while now. So I thought I would expand upon my thoughts. There has been a general understanding from those outside the Autism community that those on the Autism Spectrum are not social in the typical sense. The typical sense meaning that those that are social interact easily with those around them, make friends easily, and have little to no anxiety in comfortable social situations. Often when I am in a conversation about my son being on the Spectrum, it seems that the first perception seems to be that he is not social. There are probably many reasons for this. One being that he often will separate himself in large crowds. For example, we have had a lot of gatherings at our house in the past. When these happen, he will often go into another room and play the iPad. Sometimes he will engage with the other children for a period of time and then withdraw. Often these gatherings are noisy and a lot of children come. Another reason this is perceived often is because in typical social situations my son may growl instead of using words, sprint in the opposite direction, or lock his jaw, etc... These are not always typical reactions that people expect so a perception is made. However, often these reactions are due to a either anxiety, excitement, or a desire to engage. When he is really excited he may do repetitive behavior (toe dancing, hitting his stomach, or verbal noises).

I have seen him put himself in uncomfortable positions and fight his anxiety because his desire to interact is that high. He has learned coping skills over time and become more socially aware of what other kiddos may not understand. Two years ago, for instance, he growled at everyone or screamed when someone engaged him. Now he will stay put often and fifty percent of the time give a reply with his dinosaur greeting as well. (:

As a therapist, I have come in contact with a lot of kiddos on the Spectrum, and I see the same desire. Often I see anxiety come from sensitivity to others' feelings or the chance of misunderstanding situations and doing the wrong thing. However, the desire is always there. The desire may not be to have 100 people around, but 1 or 2 is sufficient. The "typical" response may not always come but again the desire is always there to engage.

So how can we bridge the gap in understanding and awareness with this issue. Here are some thoughts:

1. Whenever this idea is presented, I think it is an opportunity to EXPLAIN, EDUCATE, and give the opportunity for that person to get INVOLVED. For example, If someone says to me "he doesn't seem very social" I can then explain that he does desire it, but he needs to engage on his own terms, and for that person to continue trying and not give up or think he is not interested.

We have had several family friends to do this very thing. When he has not given a response 25 times, he might begin the 26th time. Now he has several family friends that he will engage with easily because he has been given plenty of opportunities from the person to do so.

2. Know your child's limit with social interactions. Children are often unaware of their own limits until they learn what they can or cannot handle. We learned this through trial and error. We know that he does his best interacting with one friend over. When we have more than that, we need to devote our time to joining in the play with him and not just socializing. Also time is important. He does his best when he is not tired or hungry of course. But also play dates that are around an hour.

3. Prep your child for interactions. We do a lot of role playing of situations for his developmental level. We do mini-plays, and I play different types of friends with different interests and personalities. I also prepare him for play dates because they are not a part of his normal routine. We will put it on his schedule or we will talk about it starting a few days ahead of time. This is a suggestion in the book as well.

4. Don't make your child feel bad or draw negative attention to non-typical responses. This is tempting to do at times when we as parents get wrapped up in what others may think. But draw attention to any positive behaviors and reward and give praise to any interactions big or small.

5. Give your child the confidence and the tools to say and do what they need. My son withdraws when he has had enough or is over-stimulated. This has taken practice for him moving from having a meltdown to withdrawing for some quiet time. We have worked hard to let him know it is ok to do that and to know how to do that. We have also given him a picture board with different choices for calming or sensory input choices. This has worked well, and he often will do things on his own.

6. Finally, set goals for your child's desire for being "social" that are attainable and that he/she wants for himself. Often I know as a parent, I want a lot of things for my children that are not a necessity and that they may not share the desire for. I always ask myself is this something he wants, and will this make him happy?

Just my thoughts on the topic of being "social."

Until next time,

Stefany

Christmas is over, back to routine!

Christmas is such an exciting time! Everything is different and festive. Decorations are everywhere, Christmas tunes dominate the radio, Christmas trees go up in the house, and presents start filling up under the tree. This time of year most everyone loves, but for a child on the Autism spectrum the changes can be overwhelming. School is out and everything is different. This year our family had a low key Christmas. We usually have family in town or go out of town. We always have a flurry of activity. This year we had 2 events that my husband and I were a part of at church. However, this year we strived to involve and prepare our children as much as possible in the activity. Usually we just cart them around for the events. This year we involved them. For example, our church sponsors families for Christmas. Well, we had the children help us pick out the gifts for the children. Our Christmas concert that my husband and I do most of the music (in addition to our Awesome piano player) has practices. This time we involved the kids in the practice. For Christmas decorating, I gave our son specific tasks. He did fixate on certain objects and hid them for the remainder of the month, but he enjoyed getting involved. I think these things made a big difference this year, and we did not have one meltdown! Huge, Huge, Huge! We maintained somewhat of a structured day with therapy that we still attended throughout the week and activities at home. The biggest thing I noticed this season was my son's intensity level. About 3 days after Christmas, his intensity was maxing out at 150 percent. When I say intensity, I mean his jaw is clenched most of the time, he sprints the length of the house again and again, he does somersaults, tries to hug and pat the baby too hard, hugs his sister with major force, can't sit still, and slaps his stomach really hard. This could have been a combination of several things: the snow and freezing temps preventing much outdoor play, he was sick, and the change of structure. As school is now back in session, structure has resumed, his sensory diet is back in full swing, and he is healthy, he has began to even out again. His biggest strength and growth has been how I have noticed him trying to self-regulate. He is not always successful, but I can see him trying. We had a wonderful Christmas (besides illness), but I can almost tell he loves that things are back to routine. Just like Jake in "I am Jake: My Life on the Autism Spectrum," Luke loves to have a schedule!

How were the holidays for you?

What did you do to try and maintain structure?

Until next time,

Stefany

Thankful!

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am reminded of where we have been as a family, where we are right now, and where we are going. Lately, our family has been in a really good place and I am THANKFUL! It has been a little over 2 months since we moved, Cole was born, and we had to get a new car. All of these things started a period of time with tumultuous behavior for Luke. He was really struggling. I talked about this in previous posts. Now we have entered a good place. I just had both my children's parent-teacher conferences for preschool. I was thrilled with what they were telling me about Luke. They have seen him now for a year and half in this classroom with this group of specialists. They raved about his interactions, his anxiety being decreased, and his overall lovable personality. Their biggest goal at this time is that he prefers to talk to adults and will continue to seek out a conversation repeatedly even if the topic needs to be focused on something else. I WILL TAKE THAT GOAL! They felt that he tends to talk to adults because he gets the desired response and attention and the adults understand his articluate thoughts much more than his peers. I genuinely enjoyed listening to all the things they had to say and was saying a prayer of thanks for all the progress he has made. I see his personality all the time, but others were not seeing it until this year.

I am so thankful for his team of teachers and specialists. They have been a HUGE part of Luke's progress and growth. They have given me so many good ideas, and as they said at his conference, we have worked together as a team for the growth of Luke. I know this is not the case for every family to have such a great support team. I urge those parents to advocate for what they know is best for their child no matter what. It is tiring and exhausting and can seem hopeless at times, but it is worth every ounce of early intervention that can be had.

Luke is blooming and it is so fun to see! He is in a good place with his anxiety as well. His routine and structure being consistent always helps him to thrive. It is a challenge for me to implement day in and day out (I will not lie), but when I see the results it helps me to push on. This week we had a couple days where I was tired and not able to be as structured as I wanted to be, and I saw the difference in our day. The difference is not as drastic as it used to be but it is there. It is there in the behavior, anxiety, and outcome of the day. But each day is a new opportunity to help him structure his world in a comfortable way, and I will keep taking the challenge head on.

I am thankful for these times, and I want to be sure to enjoy every minute of the blessings that come from calm periods! How am I doing that? I am being inquisitive into his little mind as much as he will let me in. I am stealing lots of hugs and kisses. I am sitting with him and just watching his mind at work. I am entering his world as much as I can. In I am Jake: My Life on the Autism Spectrum I included the page where Jake's dad enters his world to play helicopters with him and use his imagination. I love that image!

How do you treasure the times of calm?

How do you enter your child's world?